Today's Rants

Q: Hey Mudge, The family and I just got back from the cruise from hell. On the fourth day, we started to notice a lot fewer passengers at the breakfast buffets. Then a few hours later, one by one, the wife, my idiot brother-in-law and I started feeling really sick. Wasn't seasickness cuz the waters were calm and I loaded up with dramamine anyway. Bottom line, we were all commode- hugging for the next 2-3 days. Even missed the island excursion I was most interested in, because we were afraid we wouldn't find a place to puke at the shops. Turns out we got hit with norovirus big time. So who can we sue to get our money back? CruiserLoser

A: Yo CruiserLoser, Your first mistake was to take one of those ripoff cruises to begin with. Even if you had managed to avoid those dreaded boat barfs, you still would have had what, 7-10 days, trapped in the same space with a bunch of drunken blowhards hogging the best chaise lounge chairs and filling you with interminable stories about how much better it was back when Bing Crosby was onboard. But back to your issue: I wouldn't hold my breath, but you can determine whether you have a legit case against the cruise lines by contacting the good folks at LawShysterz, LLC, with offices in Malta, Burkina Faso, Ladakh or their newest satellite location in Anageda, BVI. I don't have their current web page, because they keep changing it for unknown reasons. But good luck, and if you insist on doing another cruise, deep six the brother-in-law and bring a suitcase full of those airline barfbags. If worse comes to worse, you can peddle 'em for a pretty penny when the food goes bad again. You're welcome.

Q: Curmie, You Moron, What the hell were you thinking when you advised me to contact "the good folks at HealthShysterz, LLC"? All I had was a persistent backache, and after following their advice for treatment, now I'm in traction and likely to have to have my spleen removed! You ought to rot in hell! Hurtin Fur Certain

A: Dear Hurtin, You got the wrong guys. My advice specifically told you to contact the good folks at MedDudeShysterz, LLC. HealthShysterz are imposters and they don't even have an office in Malta. Next time, read the fine print, or just get out of my face. You're welcome.